Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
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*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
This is my brand.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
There’s always that one guy
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now