Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.