Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
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I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I’m not alone. I have ants.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt