Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.