Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1659637417425379340/pu/vid/540x954/yrzOGshqt0ph8RCq.mp4?tag=12

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

❤️❤️❤️

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol