Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.