Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
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The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.