Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
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the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.