Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

👻

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?