Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

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I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.


WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait


[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse


Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*


Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.


Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.


can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”


DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch


Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.


Football would actually be entertaining of each team was allowed one bear.