@Shenaniglenns

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

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@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

@NuryVittachi

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

@markedly

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

@Willa_LT

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

@Sarcasticsapien

Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.

@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

@kiel_phillips

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

@DurtMcHurtt

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

@haleyyyy1711

Football would actually be entertaining of each team was allowed one bear.