Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
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One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”