Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

umm…

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.