Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

New mindset, who dis?

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.