Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

Look, a pure bread cat!

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.