Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎵 I can’t wait to

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.