Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

I found your tweet-up…

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.