Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*