Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

(True)

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

😂

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.