Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

This cat wants you to take your pills

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened