Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

yes yes a thousand times yes!

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

Did my cat write this

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

AM I BEING GASLIT????

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance