@abbycohenwl

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

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@ronnui_

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

@Desert_Musings

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

@aggierican

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

@yenniwhite

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

@KrispyTacoBelle

[Drive thru window]

Me: “The guy behind me said he would pay for this…”

@crylenol

Hamlet, but starring a pig. We call it: Hamlet. Let me explain

@jctwritesstuff

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

@Marlebean

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

@Shade510

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee