@abbycohenwl

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

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@CulturedRuffian

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

@GlumGeorgeLucas

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

@robdelaney

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

@UncleDuke1969

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

@Ditchful

adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

@VodkaShorebird

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

@Monicake0128

Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@EndhooS

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

@dshack8

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

@bobvulfov

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago