Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
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I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[Drive thru window]
Me: “The guy behind me said he would pay for this…”
Hamlet, but starring a pig. We call it: Hamlet. Let me explain
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee