I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
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“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Me: are you married?
Me: your wife know about that?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago