Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

This is no longer winter this is harassment

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs