Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
If you know, you know
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor