Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Woke up with morning Yule Log

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!