EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Cool shirt 🙂
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”