EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice