Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

no such thing as a dumb question

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

journal

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd