Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

So that’s what we looked like?

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.