Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

Merry Christmas

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?