Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap