Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stand by it

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.