Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.