Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
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I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*