EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
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My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!