English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
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It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.