Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

when revenge coincides with naptime