Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
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Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.