Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.