Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
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I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
wtf is an acronym
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.