Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
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My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.