Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

“what that mouth do?” complain

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me