Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Happens to everyone.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Strangers have the best candy.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny