I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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There are 10 types of people in the world – those who know binary and those who other people talk to in the bar 🙂
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Her: I’m staying with my sister
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener