Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
How wrong was this guy?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too