Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I’d love this…lol
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)