Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
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police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
rip to my favourite tweet
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.