Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year