Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
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My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
When you’ve simply given up.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol