Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
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On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”