Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
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She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I disagree with my politics
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.