Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
You Might Also Like
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.