Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
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ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
the Monday after daylight savings
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!