Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY