Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
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I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.