Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
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I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”