Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
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some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
remember
only for emergencies
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER