Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
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My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.