@AnniemuMary

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

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@R0ckG0d88

If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.

@SCbchbum

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

@ArtIsMyPorn

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

@MrsGoose69

Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood…. I saw the photos – we need to talk.

@Holy_Mowgli

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

@mommajessiec

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

@Tmoney68

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

@murrman5

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

@envydatropic

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes