Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
No, he would not have.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”