Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.