Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

A small tragedy.

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…