Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
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At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road