*exercises sarcastically*
You Might Also Like
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*