*exercises sarcastically*
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Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.