*exercises sarcastically*
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[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!