Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
do horses think humans are hats
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.