Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.