Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
you stereotypes are all alike
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.