Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
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Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
“i miss shittin on people”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots