Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.