Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

What’s the point buying it then?

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

men are simple creatures

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome