Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Exhausted therapist just pointing to where he wrote “YOUR CHOICES” on a chalkboard with an arrow to where he wrote “CONSEQUENCES” and I’m staring at him and tilting my head like a dog
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.