And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
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She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts