Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”