Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
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I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
🙄😏😂🤣
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.