Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
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Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.