Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
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Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.