Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
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Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?