Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
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Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
How do you milk an almond?
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
May never get over this
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I wish this was real life…
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?