Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.