[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]