@TheAndrewNadeau

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

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@novicefather

Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff.

Me: No I need the car.

@kristynhearts

Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?

@nicholas_biondi

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

@ericsshadow

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

@ThisOneSayz

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

@HepatitisAtoZ

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

@SteveSuckington

Eat shit dude! No seriously, it’s good for your eyes. You’ve never seen a dog with glasses have you?

@IvoryGazelle

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

@WritePlay

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo