Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff.
Me: No I need the car.
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
Me: So what should you be doing?
She cleans like me.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Eat shit dude! No seriously, it’s good for your eyes. You’ve never seen a dog with glasses have you?
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo